All my life I have battled to understand the truth of what truly is, and what is not delusion. I don't mean this in a really dramatic sense, but more in terms of basic things. Such as morals, what is right or wrong, or what it means to truly be one with your guidelines. Recently I have undergone much deception from a woman I had loved... The events following prior to that is why I had stopped updating this blog for almost a year. I will not
go into too much detail in regards to that, but to just inform the sudden absence... Anyway,
As far as I can remember, the majority of my life I have always enjoyed masochistic fantasies. I would imagine women tying either me or someone else up and feminizing them and/or dominating them. To this end I ask myself, how much of this aforementioned woman's deception was my own fault? As I had seen it coming, was it really deception by her hand or my own hand? After all, if it's something you regret later, wouldn't that make it more closer to an addiction than a simple act of foolishness?
It is worth thinking about indeed...
People who I had thought were my friends ended up becoming my enemies. My neighbor lied upon telling the truth in his association with this woman... seems everyone had a piece of the cake but me. I chose to endure the pain and release it in the gym, thinking that this emotional pain is what I must take for the greater good, as the woman I loved had suffered much addictions and betrayal in her own experiences as well, and also because she is twice my age.
Was it really worth it? She was like my mother... I had made it clear to her that I am with her because I had allowed her to cross boundaries I had not let any other woman cross, and she used that information to threaten to leave and assume upon me other acts of deception.
Eventually I'd decided after finally being used and not being appreciated one last time to finally close the page and end all contact.
The day after, I dreamt I would resume this blog where I last ended, and thus here I am.
I have returned now, and I will be updating this blog frequently as I originally wished upon its inception.
Stay tuned for more, my friends.
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